its gotten to the point where i have to pretend nudity surprises me
If I was a famous author I would publish a book with ten different endings which all went to print with varying degrees of rarity, but not tell the fans about it so that I could watch their confusion as they disagree over how the story ended. Then when they figured it out I would ‘come clean’, telling them that I had released eleven alternate endings and watch them panic again as they all try to find the last ending.
This is perfect.
Ellen: Do you know the sex of the child?
Tina: We decided we are going to wait. We’re going to find out…never.
Ellen: Ok.
Tina: Not even after it’s born.
Ellen: Not even after it’s born?
Tina: I’m just going to see what it chooses to wear to prom.
Ellen: Give it time to figure it out. Good for you.
All the awards.
Parenting: A+
my health teacher asked for different ways to prevent pregnancy and i said “do it in the butt” and i got extra credit because no one has ever said that before
“HONEY”
“WHAT”
“WHERE’S MY SPEECH NOTES”
“WHAT”
“WHERE. ARE. MY. SPEECH. NOTES.”
“I UHHHH. ORGANISED THEM.”
“WHAT?!”
“WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW.”
“I NEED THEM”
“UH UH DON’T YOU THINK ABOUT PRACTISING THAT SPEECH TONIGHT I’VE BEEN PLANNING THIS DINNER FOR MONTHS”
“BUT AMERICA IS IN NEED”
“MY STOMACH IS IN NEED OF THAT FANCY DINNER.”
“YOU TELL ME WHERE MY SPEECH IS WOMAN THIS IS FOR INTERNATIONAL JUSTICE”
“I’M MICHELLE OBAMA. I INVENTED JUSTICE.”
